Welcome to Shadow Farms, where we use our crap to fertilize the crop.
The Long Dark is upon us, and for some people, it’s a hard time of year to love. Not for me. I was born on a New Moon in the heart of Winter, double Sagittarius, me. I adore the dark. I don’t even mind the cold, because I am happy to wrap myself up in sweaters or blankets. Snow days? Bring ’em! I can sit inside with a mug of hot tea and a book like a boss. Winter is my friend.
Winter, in so many ways, reminds us to reflect, go deep, contemplate. Light reflects off snow and ice and dazzles the eyes, just like our thoughts can sometimes blind us to what else is around us. We have to squint to see where we’re going, so we miss stuff. Details. Peripherals. We have to focus on the ground to keep from slipping on ice, so we aren’t looking at the sky. We have to slow down, be gentle with ourselves. Dress warm, layer up, get deep into our coats and blankets. Put on some sunglasses, so we can open our eyes.
The long nights offer us a chance to cozy in and pay attention to our thoughts. Sometimes this can be as treacherous as an ice field. But sometimes, oh sometimes, it can clean a layer of crud off our souls and allow us to shine all the brighter. And that’s what Shadow Farming is all about.
Life without struggle would be meaningless. Mistakes are like fertilizer.
If we aren’t allowed to screw up, we don’t learn how to recognize the signs of trouble coming. If we don’t get into (moderate) danger, we never learn how to avoid it or get out of it if we do run into it. If we don’t piss people off, we don’t learn how to express ourselves diplomatically, or learn to compromise so more people can win.
If we never learn to say no to anything, we never learn to set the boundaries that will keep us from being clobbered by any relationship we ever have.
Mistakes are priceless, our best teachers. We need them, early and often – but here’s where we often get tripped up. We need them, so mistakes are actually good, it’s good that we got into that trouble, it’s good that we screwed that up, it’s good that we feel guilty because of how we treated someone, it’s good that we broke this or that or the other. It was hard, and it probably hurt or caused a certain amount of stress or worry when it was happening, but if you are smart, you have used that hurt to grow something better. You Shadow Farmed that bitch.
That’s the 101, the Intro to Shadow Farming stuff, and most of us acknowledge that we have learned from our mistakes. But what so many of us neglect is taking the extra step and having gratitude for the struggle, the suffering, the pain that our mistakes caused us. Saying, “Ah, that was a good mistake! I’m so glad I fucked that up, because look at what I have been able to accomplish with that understanding!” Not simple self-forgiveness. That’s way too elementary – that’s like Shadow Farming 201. I’m talking 301 or higher here, advanced shit-show salvation, a graduate level dumpter-fire ovation. “Oh, epic fail! Well done me! Ha, I’m going to be learning from this one for at least a decade!”
Celebrate the mistakes you make. Know that no energy spent in learning is ever, ever wasted.
Even, or perhaps especially, if it hurts.
I’m not trying to make light of anyone’s suffering – at least not in the way that “make light” is typically interpreted. I am trying to Make Light out of our suffering. Use the energy as fuel, and know that it is, second by second, atom by atom, making you a better person. Know that if it weren’t for the darkness, we’d never even know about the stars. If you scrape off the shit and use it purposefully and with intention, you can grow anything you want. If somebody would have told me 30 years ago that I’d be in this place, doing what I do now, I would have called them a liar. But here we are, and here I am, and here it is. My mistakes made me smarter and stronger and better and more compassionate and kinder – and clearer about what I really do want. And I never would have made it to this place had I not fucked up enough to find it. Guilt=gone. Golden.
